Casual sex, and keeping it casual

Let me be clear about this from the start, so there’s no confusion: this is not me telling you how to get casual sex. I’m not here to sell you anything, or to boast about ways I’ve been able to live the lifestyle of casual sex. Yes, I’ve had a fair amount of casual sexual encounters, but this is about whether or not the lifestyle is really for you, and how to conduct yourself while you do it. A lot of people try it, and they either get too deep to the point of self-degradation, or become shunned by the people closest to them, being called ‘slut’, ‘whore’, etc. So, the first and foremost thing to keep in mind is…

1. Know what you’re getting into.

This may or may not be surprising, but a casual sex life is not for the faint of heart. It takes a certain degree of self-control, confidence, and the right attitude. There’s a lot to consider before, during, and after the encounter(which we’ll cover later) that will affect your overall experience. If you decide to just jump right in like it’s a swimming pool of sexual partners, you’ll find yourself drowning, guaranteed. It’s a two-way road, with new experiences and new relationships going one way, and some older ones possibly leaving you down the other road.

First, ask yourself what the reasons are for seeking casual sex. If your responses include something like: ‘I’m drunk”, ‘I wanna feel good about myself’, or ‘My partner wants to try it, so I’ll just go along with it’, then you’re going to have a bad time with this. There should be a sense of adventure when you go out looking for a new partner. Maybe you’re just horny, or want a new sexual experience. When you go out with the right mindset, it can really improve your health and happiness.

Keep in mind, nothing about this is permanent, and your mindset should reflect that. It’s perfectly natural to become infatuated, and connected, with a lover. However, if you wish to keep your relationships casual, you may have to fight yourself from time to time. Sex creates familiarity and commitment, and it’s not always easy to control. Maybe spend some time away from your new lover for a while, no communication whatsoever. It may seem cruel, but it helps keep your emotions in check.

This isn’t to say you should keep completely aloof during your encounter either. Your new lover needs to be appreciated for what they’re doing for you as well. Even if all you do is have a quickie in the closet, you should still give it your all. Show your partner some passion, be attentive, caring, and respectful, and I promise you, it’ll be a very memorable experience for both of you. Speaking of being respectful…

2. Communicate what you want, and don’t want.

Let’s say you’re out by yourself, or with a friend, and you find a guy(or lady) you find very attractive, charming, and there’s some clear chemistry there. First, congratulations on making it this far. Next, remember what it is that you’re trying to accomplish. The other person may be looking for something a bit more than just a single night of passion. You need to make it clear your intention is just to let off some steam, or sexual frustration. The other person may not mind; or maybe they do, and still want to get into your pants anyway. If the latter happens, no matter your other options, you need to end things there. Tonight is not their night.

However, if they understand tonight is simply for a night of passion, then things can continue forward. I mentioned before that confidence is needed here, and plays a large role in what happens next. So, you’ve gotten this far, and found someone to take home and rip their clothes off. Like any new lover, they’re not going to know what will make you moan, and bring you to that tipping point of sweet ecstasy. Don’t be afraid to take charge and verbally tell them what you want them to do to you. After all, tonight is about you!

At the same time, if a certain sexual act repels you, make sure they know it as well. There’s no reason to commit to something you don’t find sexy at all. Remember, this isn’t a relationship, so nothing you refuse should be a deal-breaker. They can always find another sexual partner who’s into their kinds of kink later on. For now, you should just enjoy the things you both like in common. If your new partner disagrees with this arrangement, feel free to communicate them out the door, or yourself out of theirs.

3. Safety, in all it’s forms.

I know this sounds like I’m going to suggest using condoms, or getting on the pill, or some other form of contraceptive, and you should. I know it also sounds like you should choose your partner carefully, to prevent the spread of STDs, and you should. However, there’s more to keep in mind as far as safety is concerned. Your casual lifestyle should benefit your happiness, and certain things can make that more difficult to obtain. As I’ve said, communication is a big part of having the best experience possible, but plays another role too.

Although you don’t find too many women like this, a lot of men who also like the casual lifestyle tend to be more aggressive, or narcissistic, with their pursuance. There’s absolutely no reason to hook up with someone like that, even if the alternative is no one at all. You shouldn’t be manipulated into sex, or go home with someone who has a toxic personality. You have every right to be comfortable, relaxed, and confident with whom you’re with.

While we’re on the subject of douchebags, I should bring up something that kinda goes hand-in-hand: alcohol. I understand the most likely place to find single people is at a bar, or a club, but alcohol can complicate things quickly. Even if you do manage to find someone you connect with, getting wasted afterwards can only lead to bad things. Some people are genuinely good, but their agendas change when they get drunk, and that goes for you too! I’m not saying you can’t drink at all while you’re out, just don’t overdo it. I would say a good rule of thumb is: if you’re too drunk to walk a straight line, you’re too drunk for sex.

4. Keep a positive circle.

I know I’ve said this before, but there’s nothing wrong with this lifestyle; nothing at all! However, there will be people, probably family or friends, who will try to tell you otherwise. They may dissuade you from this path, whether for religious reasons, or moral reasons, but none of that matters. This is your life that you’re living, and not theirs. They won’t understand your decisions, but they don’t need to. I’m not suggesting you lie to them about what you do, all I’m saying is you should simply leave them out of that aspect of your life.

If you want people to talk to about your casual lifestyle, and choices, I would suggest forming a circle of friends who also engage in casual encounters. Think about it, you probably have a group who meets just to watch football, or a book club to discuss the latest novel, and of course, the friends you make at work. Why not have a circle of friends who have casual sex? I’m not saying you need to meet up for ‘Sex and the City’-themed brunches, but you can all agree to meet at a club, or just talk online about what you’ve been up to. It’s important to have friends like these to talk to, and feel comfortable around. People who won’t scowl at you for letting your freak flag fly.

5. Shit happens.

It sucks, but it’s true. Sometimes, the sex is bad, or the person you’re with turned out to be a jerk, or you partied a little too hard. You can be extremely careful, follow this post to the letter, and bring protection, but sometimes, things will go wrong. You can’t foresee the entire night, and there will be things you couldn’t have predicted. It’s not your fault, but you can take it like a champ the next morning. Just pick up your panties, or boxers, and just brush it off. Accept that mistakes were made, and keep them in mind for the next time. You’re human, just move on with your life.

Sex should be fun and fulfilling, from beginning to screaming finish. It’s not always perfect, but nothing in life is! It’s an experience, so learn from it, practice it, preach it, teach it. Here’s to safe, and enriching, casual sex!

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