I was speaking to a friend of mine the other day about a writer’s voice, when it comes to creating short stories. I mentioned my friend might be in their mid twenties, based on the voice of their writing. To my surprise, I was a bit off, but I was also not the first to make that guess. My friend admitted to feeling like they are still in that stage of their life. Off the top of my head, I guessed it could be because they didn’t have much opportunity to explore their own sexuality, much the same way young twenty-something people do. My friend agreed with me, and that’s when I began thinking more about why sexual exploration is important for understanding sexuality. Before I begin, there’s something I really want to get off my chest first. It’s a constant bother, and I feel like I need to let this rant out.
Sexuality is a right that belongs to all of us, and not a privilege granted to us by complete strangers. Every person has the freedom to explore their sexuality to the extent that each of us chooses. In this point of human history, the number of people who greatly enjoy sex has outnumbered the people who are more conservative about their own. And, frankly, I’m tired of the majority having to pander to the sex-sneering minority that insists we keep ourselves covered, or not be vocal about our sexual adventures, all in the name of some imagined sense of decency. Only those of us, who own our bodies, can decide how we choose to advertise ourselves. If a woman wants to embrace her sexuality, and let herself be seen, it is no one else’s place to tell her to ‘cover up’. If you know someone who likes to engage in casual sex, it’s not your job to tell them promiscuity is a sin. If someone wishes to explore other ways to have sex with their partner, especially if those methods aren’t ‘vanilla’, they should have that right, and be able to do so with their heads held high. So long as they do so safely, and in the company of people they are comfortable with, then I couldn’t care less if Chad and Tiffany from two doors down don’t approve.
If you’ve reached this point in your life, where your sex life has started to feel a little stale, or you just want to add excitement to your bedroom games, or if you’re just curious, then I wish you congratulations on reaching this point in your sexual discovery. I promise you, there is much more, and decadent, things to appreciate out of sex than just vaginal intercourse in roughly three positions. A cornucopia of sexual delights awaits you beyond this point, and they each have their own difficulty level, so you can either jump in the deep end, or just dip your toes in the water. At the same time, I know how daunting it can be to make that first move into a new lifestyle choice. I wish to make your transition as painless as possible. And with that, comes the ironic, first thing you’ll need to know…
Many kinks involve some kind of pain
But this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, per say. Just because pain is a factor, doesn’t mean it will be displeasurable. It’s much like the paradox of why it hurts when you bite your tongue on accident, but not when you bite it on purpose. In both cases, there’s a difference in the experience when it’s done so intentionally, rather than in a way that is unwanted. Don’t allow the prospect of a little pain to turn you away to what pleasures may come. Aside from the sting and soreness of, say, a paddle across your bum, there’s some physiological and psychological benefits to receiving pain.
For starters, your body naturally releases endorphins to counter the pain, and causes pain receptors and nociceptors to begin firing much more quickly. This means you’ll begin feeling naturally high, while also becoming more sensitive to other kinds of touch. Suddenly, that little caress against your bum begins to feel much more arousing. But it’s about more than just pain. It’s about what you and your partner share in this experience. A level of trust, a thirst for a little punishment, a desire to give yourself over and allow someone to make all of your decisions for you, if only for a few minutes.
This isn’t to say all kinks are based on pain. But it does help to become a bit more accustomed to some intentionally-inflicted beatings. For those of you looking into kinks to begin your exploration with, I suggest you look up, and experiment with, the following acts: spanking, light bondage, vibrator play, blindfolding/gagging, voyeurism/exhibitionism, Master and slave roleplay, and perhaps some light BDSM. Each of these can easily branch off into other acts you’ll find yourself enjoying more and more as time goes on. If you’re looking for more advanced kinks, I suggest creating a FetLife account, and explore the groups they have to offer.
Whether you’re in a commited relationship, or you’re single, and enjoying casual sex, there’s ways for you to approach this exploration, even if you’ve never tried it a day in your life. The first step, as I mention earlier, is to look up different kinks that may interest you. Resources are available everywhere, and there’s many perspectives on each one to answer any questions you may have.
Understand there is nothing wrong with your kink
The only reason this new kink you found sounds so strange is because it’s new. It’s not because it’s indecent, or to be looked down upon if anyone found out you were doing it. It’s really no one’s business but your own. As long as you feel a strange pull towards this kink, that’s all the permission you need to investigate it further. You’re certainly not the first to take an interest in this, and there are many who are already finding more fulfillment in their own lives because they partake of it.
If you find yourself confused by why you seem to like watching others perform your new kink, I recommend reading up on The Origins of Fetishes, where I discuss the paradigm in which kinks represent a sexy solution to a real-world problem you may be experiencing.
Discuss it with your partner
Whether you’re in a committed relationship, or single, and have someone you like to fool around with from time to time, communication is paramount. Sit with your partner, establish with them the purpose of this conversation, which is to talk about what kinks you’ve been thinking about lately, but without the assumption your partner needs to do these things right away, or at all. What you both need to do is get everything out on the table. You could suggest a kink that involves including another partner, or two, and that idea never makes the final cut. But, your partner is now aware of it, and could revisit it, should they ever suddenly become curious about it in the future.
This kind of open communication creates an open environment for you and your partner. And giving them the option to say ‘no’ allows them to feel like it truly is a choice, and not something to keep hidden away. You might be pleasantly surprised when your partner suddenly begins thinking about it, rather than just blurting ‘no’ right away.
Look up options
Once you and your partner have laid out your wants and desires, and have agreed to give it a try, it’s time to seriously sit down and find out how you plan to accomplish fulfilling these kinks. Some need special equipment like: floggers, specific clothing, tools, rope, etc. Most of which can be found at your local sex shop. Find out what it is you need, then find out where your local sex shop is located. If it’s an online store, check for the prices, and if it’s a bit expensive, look for alternatives. It’s not much different than having a hobby, so you should treat it like one.
I guarantee you, no matter what you’re into, there are people who have done it on video, expressly for your entertainment. You should take advantage of these videos, and watch them with your partner, just to get a feel for the mindset you should have when you begin, as well as the procedure. Many acts carry the Master and slave dynamic, so you should become accustomed to how you play that role as well. Pay attention to every movement, every pause they take, how the implements are applied, and where. All of these little details are more important than you think. Things like anticipation and what parts of the body are most sensitive to implements all play a role in how best to perform these acts.
Take things lightly
There’s no reason to jump right into your new kink as if you’re already a pro. There’s a certain delicacy in kink that you need to be mindful of, so as not to inadvertently harm your partner. Let’s use BDSM as an example, specifically with spanking/flogging. There are certain parts of the body that have more pain receptors than others, and pain tolerance is something that needs to be learned. Keeping this in mind, it would likely turn you off to the idea if your partner started off with a heavy swing at your bum. Instead, take some baby steps in the beginning, and ask your partner to do some light swatting. If it helps, do so with your clothes still on, to soften the blow to your skin. Then progressively harder, and with less and less clothing.
Communication is still key here, so keep your partner up to date on what’s working for you, and what isn’t. Tell them if you like it more on certain parts of your body, and not on others. Soon, the two of you(or more) will develop a routine to go with when integrating it into your bedroom games.
Now you’re a kinkster
If you’ve made it to this point, and find yourself having even more wild orgasms, and/or feeling much more fulfilled, then congratulations! You’ve joined the rest of the majority in owning your sexuality, and should continue your journey to define how you express yourself as a person, and as a sexual person. There are those who will try to call you out, and say that what you’re doing is indecent, and you’re some kind of freak(and you are, but in a good way). But do not allow their negativity to bring you down. As long as you always keep things safe, and as long as both(or all) participants are consenting adults, there’s no reason you shouldn’t enjoy each other however you like it.
With this, I hope you all find the satisfaction that you’re looking for. There’s enough kinks out there for you to enjoy throughout your entire lifetime, and there’s no reason to just settle on one. Personally, I feel every kink should be experienced at least once. Worst case scenario, you go out of this world with no regrets, knowing you tried everything. Best case scenario: nothing ever feels boring again, and you find yourself with plenty to write about one day.