LMI wants more spontaneity in the bedroom

Dear Charlton,

Nice to talk again. My partner although well meaning, keeps on asking what i want and would like each time we get intimate. As much as this is sweet it can kill my mood alarmingly quick. Especially when i want to be in the heat of the moment and tearing each others clothes off… How can I explain this to him without hurting his feelings?


Dear LMI,

It’s good to hear from you too! I know what that can be like, since I’ve been on the other end of that equation, myself. This should come as no surprise, but if your partner is asking about your desires often, it’s likely a sign they are feeling insecure about their ability to please you the way they feel you deserve. But don’t allow this to discourage you. It’s not your fault, or your partner’s fault, or anyone’s fault, really.

There’s a social assumption that women are naturally great at sex, and men are simply average at best, and need a lot of help. This assumption stems from the fact that men can orgasm quickly, while women need a lot more time and effort to bring to orgasm. To add insult to injury, men are conditioned to believe that sex is a test of their prowess, and to fail at bringing you to orgasm is a personal failure to them. With that kind of pressure on their minds, is it really any wonder how men can feel so insecure? In the end, all he really wants is to ensure you find satisfaction after every romp in the sheets.

I have good news for you, though. As insecure as we men can be, we’re also egotistical creatures. If you want to avoid hurting his feelings, there’s a way to tell him without making it sound like a complaint. When the moment is right, tell him you like it when he takes the lead during sex and foreplay. Express how much it turns you on when he’s more spontaneous in the bedroom. Now, your desire to have him stop asking for what you want becomes an encouraging compliment!

I talk on this more in depth in an earlier post: On Matters of Men, Romance, and Insecurity

For many men, our ego is all we have in a world that expects us to prove ourselves in everything we do. If we feel like we’re failing in one area, then we seek to better ourselves however we can. You should count yourself lucky that you have a partner who is more concerned with your satisfaction than he is his own. From what I understand, there are many women who are frustrated by the men who will see to their own orgasms, and not care if you did too. I hope this helps you with your problem, and I hope that understanding its cause will provide further insight into what your partner is feeling as well.

Have fun you two!

If you have a question about sex, sexuality, or the erotica genre you’d like submitted to Dear Charlton, you can send it to me through my Contact page. I promise to get to it as quickly as I can.

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