I’m a plus size woman with a self esteem problem. I’d like to be more adventurous in bed but somehow I always feel like I’m not enough. I sometimes even feel like I don’t deserve to be sexy or have a healthy sex life ’cause I’m plus size. My man tells me everyday that he loves me and that I’m sexy but it’s hard to shut the voice in my head that says otherwise. Do you have any advice for me?
Thanks a lot.
It’s difficult not to listen to that voice in your head. It’s been there your whole life, and you’ve always listened to it before, so it’s hard to stop now. When it comes to self-esteem, it can seem like the voice in your head is the only one telling the truth. I wish there was an easy answer I could give that would help you shut that voice up straight away. But that voice tends to ring loudest when you try to ignore it.
Everyone, even those who grew up with very little to be depressed about have this voice living inside our heads. That’s because this voice is born of rejection, denial, and a need to fit in. All of us experience it in some amount when we were young, and we’ve relied on it to help us survive in this social maze of eggshells and tulips. In one time of our lives, when fitting in meant the most, we took everything we ever heard to heart. Every comment on our clothing, every rude scoff when we’re looked at, every tiny opinion on how we can make ourselves more convenient for someone else.
Any self improvement we try to do for ourselves, that voice is going to criticize us every step of the way. There’s ways to quiet it down, but there’s a process to it, and you need to stay vigilant of it. First, recognize the voice. It sits in our mind for so long, whispering from the shadows, we begin to accept it as a normal part of our environment. If you identify it when it speaks, then you can begin to see it as an internal enemy.
Next, you need to identify that voice. Who is it saying those words? It’s not you, obviously, but someone from your past used to say those same words to you, and made you feel that same way when they did. Maybe some prude who felt threatened by you? It’s not your fault for feeling like this, or retreating into an insecure space when you want to be happy with yourself. But once you know who that voice is, you can speak back. Tell them you don’t know why you’re still listening to them. Argue with them, challenge their authority. Speak as though you’re sticking up for a friend. It’s an uphill battle, but every time you push back when that voice puts you down, you climb just a little bit higher.
Finally, and this is more to help you build up self-positivity, is to surround yourself with the people who make you feel like a better person. By the sound of it, the man your with is a good start. Hang out with friends who make you feel just as happy, and not judge you, you can’t go wrong. As for being adventurous in the bedroom, this can also be accomplished by surrounding yourself with similar people. Finding a like-minded community online can get you in touch with people who can help you become more accustomed to trying out the new things you want to try. Depending on just how adventurous you want to be, you could find a good message board. Or, if you’re a bit more on the kinky side, you can try Fetlife.
Don’t give up, Goddess! You deserved to have the same kinky adventures we all do. Being a plus-size woman shouldn’t stop you, and that little voice that tells you you can’t has no right to tell you otherwise. Don’t let it. Plenty of guys would love to have a romp in the sheets with a plus-size girl. Don’t just call yourself a Goddess, BE THE GODDESS!!!
If you have a question about sex, sexuality, or the erotica genre you’d like submitted to Dear Charlton, you can send it to me through my Contact page. I promise to get to it as quickly as I can.