Goddess wants her inner-critic to shut up

Dear Charlton,
I’m a plus size woman with a self esteem problem. I’d like to be more adventurous in bed but somehow I always feel like I’m not enough. I sometimes even feel like I don’t deserve to be sexy or have a healthy sex life ’cause I’m plus size. My man tells me everyday that he loves me and that I’m sexy but it’s hard to shut the voice in my head that says otherwise. Do you have any advice for me?
Thanks a lot.
-Goddess

Dear Goddess,

It’s difficult not to listen to that voice in your head. It’s been there your whole life, and you’ve always listened to it before, so it’s hard to stop now. When it comes to self-esteem, it can seem like the voice in your head is the only one telling the truth. I wish there was an easy answer I could give that would help you shut that voice up straight away. But that voice tends to ring loudest when you try to ignore it.

Everyone, even those who grew up with very little to be depressed about have this voice living inside our heads. That’s because this voice is born of rejection, denial, and a need to fit in. All of us experience it in some amount when we were young, and we’ve relied on it to help us survive in this social maze of eggshells and tulips. In one time of our lives, when fitting in meant the most, we took everything we ever heard to heart. Every comment on our clothing, every rude scoff when we’re looked at, every tiny opinion on how we can make ourselves more convenient for someone else.

Any self improvement we try to do for ourselves, that voice is going to criticize us every step of the way. There’s ways to quiet it down, but there’s a process to it, and you need to stay vigilant of it. First, recognize the voice. It sits in our mind for so long, whispering from the shadows, we begin to accept it as a normal part of our environment. If you identify it when it speaks, then you can begin to see it as an internal enemy.

Next, you need to identify that voice. Who is it saying those words? It’s not you, obviously, but someone from your past used to say those same words to you, and made you feel that same way when they did. Maybe some prude who felt threatened by you? It’s not your fault for feeling like this, or retreating into an insecure space when you want to be happy with yourself. But once you know who that voice is, you can speak back. Tell them you don’t know why you’re still listening to them. Argue with them, challenge their authority. Speak as though you’re sticking up for a friend. It’s an uphill battle, but every time you push back when that voice puts you down, you climb just a little bit higher.

Finally, and this is more to help you build up self-positivity, is to surround yourself with the people who make you feel like a better person. By the sound of it, the man your with is a good start. Hang out with friends who make you feel just as happy, and not judge you, you can’t go wrong. As for being adventurous in the bedroom, this can also be accomplished by surrounding yourself with similar people. Finding a like-minded community online can get you in touch with people who can help you become more accustomed to trying out the new things you want to try. Depending on just how adventurous you want to be, you could find a good message board. Or, if you’re a bit more on the kinky side, you can try Fetlife.

Don’t give up, Goddess! You deserved to have the same kinky adventures we all do. Being a plus-size woman shouldn’t stop you, and that little voice that tells you you can’t has no right to tell you otherwise. Don’t let it. Plenty of guys would love to have a romp in the sheets with a plus-size girl. Don’t just call yourself a Goddess, BE THE GODDESS!!!

tumblr_llwpe6jrpb1qfdwsio1_500


If you have a question about sex, sexuality, or the erotica genre you’d like submitted to Dear Charlton, you can send it to me through my Contact page. I promise to get to it as quickly as I can.

2 thoughts on “Goddess wants her inner-critic to shut up

  1. I know you probably won’t see this goddess but that voice you are hearing, it doesn’t stop no matter what size you are. I know i could say plus size just means “more to love” and be telling you the truth but it won’t stick and that is fair because i’m just some stranger online anyway. So let me tell you a little personal story and hope you hear it.

    All through my youth i burnt more weight then i ate everyday, i’d only go down sizes never up, i was well underweight for my age. By the time i got to highschool I hated it, i wanted curves, i wanted to go up a couple cup sizes, i wanted to grow out of the same clothes i had when i was 7, i didn’t want to see my ribs sticking out anymore.

    So one day i said enough is enough. I stopped eating every moment my parents weren’t looking. I would starve myself every moment i could for weeks and then I’d eat regularly and not just small meals either. Just so i could put on some weight. I did that for months. I was never happy with my weight. I wasn’t living for me and i was trapped inside my own head everyday. And my friends never gave a damn about me enough to ask, enough to talk to me about it.

    I’m not going to say it was easy to break that cycle i put myself through and learn to love myself enough to realise I didn’t need a wolf whistle or a cat call or a diet to make me call myself beautiful or sexy or worthwhile. It is not horrible to give yourself a compliment. In fact if you aren’t, you are doing yourself a real injustice. Took me a long while to learn that. You may not give a damn about me or my story or see value in what i’m telling you but i give a damn about you. I don’t even know you yet i give a damn about you, certainly more than my friends used to about me. So let me tell you what to do (you don’t have to, if you don’t, i will never know) next time you look in the mirror, look yourself in the eye, compliment yourself honestly and genuinely until you are in tears or have nothing left to say. Repeat as necessary. Us girls have got to have each others backs.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I refer to that voice as “The Crow”. It sucks, and it always has something to say, even when you tell it to shut the F up. I had a serious, subtle battle with it the other day, when it told me some of my worst fears about my relationship. It doesn’t go away, even when those we care most about tell us the opposite, even when we tell it to shut up, and respond with positive self-talk. This isn’t a help, most likely, but know that we are in this battle with you, and you just have to fight each day against that voice, and it will get quieter. Hugs to you. Keep fighting the voice.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s