I’ve delayed myself in writing this for a few days as I have needed time to think about what I wanted to say, and how I wanted to say it. I’m sure you’ve noticed by now, or you’re noticing at this very moment, that badge over to the right of this post. (Probably not, if you’re reading this on mobile) As of a few days ago, I was placed on the list of Top 100 Sex Blogs of 2018, and it has really offset a series of mixed feelings I’ve been having over the past 2 years I’ve been writing for Forbidden Writings. If you’ll indulge me.
I have a difficult time finding things that work for me. While many people I know seem to have a strong idea of what they want to do and have worked from a young age to truly understand their vocation, I wasn’t so lucky. I had a stepfather that was not a good guy, by any definition. I won’t go into all of his faults, but one of them was his insistence that I join the military as soon as I graduated high school. I did, mainly because he wouldn’t help me learn to do anything else, and wouldn’t sign off on anything I tried to work on alone. In the end, I joined the Navy just to get far away from my family.
When I was finally on my own, I found several things I enjoyed doing. The culinary arts being one of them. But I never felt like I had as much passion for anything as much as other people did. I’m a pretty versatile guy, but while there were many things I was ‘good’ at, there was nothing I was ‘great’ at. In recent years, I have had opportunities to work with digital outlets that are now greatly available to all of us. While it was fun, and I made some great friends doing it, I never found as much success as my other friends did, and that led to me feeling like a failure.
As much of an asshole as my stepfather was, he ingrained the belief that my worth was only ever as good as what I could provide or accomplish. I know it’s a terrible way to think of things, but I still judge my worth in comparison to others. And I don’t talk about these things because I feel like it’s akin to attention-seeking or pandering, and I worry I’m doing it right now. I just have to keep writing, keep talking with others in hopes they will talk back, help others when they ask, and pretend it doesn’t matter when no one says anything right now because they will eventually and it doesn’t make me depressed. Sometimes I look over my old posts and read certain sentences that make me think, “Why, the fuck, did I write that? People are going to think I’m an asshole.”
When it came to Forbidden Writings, I still worry that, after two years, I’m still not finding success, and people still don’t care. So when this list came out of the Top 100 Sex Blogs of 2018, and I see that my blog’s name is on that list, it crushed so many of those negative feelings I’ve been having about myself. This may be the first time I have stopped feeling like it’s pointless, and instead, felt affirmed. Maybe this is something I can be great at.
The point of all this, when I want to say Thank You for reading my content, commenting, adding to the discussion, interacting with me here or on my Twitter, inspiring me to write new stories, and of course, for nominating me for this list, I want you to really understand what this thank you means.
Thank you to all of you who have supported me, whom I’ve had the privilege of getting to know, and have stuck around to see more. Thank you to Molly and Michael who took the time to come to my blog, and deem it worthy of a spot on this list. Thank you to all of my friends and fellow sex bloggers who have provided advice, inspiration, and words of encouragement as I continued to write. I love you guys. And, of course, I want to thank you, the reader. I’m grateful to every single one of you.