I always wondered if there would ever be a time when I would want to write this. A couple reasons for this included: the way I viewed masturbation was, as a male who found pleasure only through his penis, that a solo handjob was going to be about as good as it gets because anything more than that was just the same thing, but with extra steps and a higher cost. Secondly, I didn’t think there was anything significant to say about it, or at least nothing that we don’t already know about male masturbation. I felt guilty because so many great bloggers and educators are out there right now trying to start a conversation on female pleasure, orgasm, and understanding how the vulva and clitoris work. And you should definitely be listening to them because they’re out there giving away free information on how to be a better lover, so why not take it?
What I’ve come to learn is more in regards to masturbation as a stigma. While vibrators, thrusters, rabbits, eggs, stimulators, and satisfyers are far less controversial among women and other vuvla-bearers than they were twenty years ago, male masturbation still seems to be the one thing most men do quite often but are just as quick to deny ever doing it. But if we have such low regard for masturbation and orgasms, is it any wonder why there are so many men who consider sex only as a way to make babies, and masturbation as just a phase teenage boys go through?
You can call it ‘being conservative’ if you want, but we have essentially stymied our own sex lives by choosing not to talk about it. Last week, I decided it was time to join the conversation, rather than ignore it. In the last couple of months, I’ve had some great opportunities to test out several sex toys designed for the penis-equipped, and in doing so, I not only learned a lot about what makes a sex toy preferable but how I enjoy sex as well.
I’m finding satisfaction through new experiences
If there’s a universal truth in all things, it’s that new experiences increase one’s happiness and understanding. Sex toys allow people an option to explore what satisfies them without involving other people. Something like a sleeve can do more than just get you from start to finish. Companies have spent tons of time and research into creating something that feels familiar, and at the same time, something alien.
You’re already quite used to the feeling of your hand, I’m sure, and it still gets you across that finish line. But do you ever get there and feel like it wasn’t enough? Like you got your rush of endorphins, but not the sense of satisfaction? A sleeve gives you that new sensation that you’re not accustomed to. I was skeptical about using one for the first time but found my nerves lighting up at the prospect of using it again. The first time I tried out The Handy I experienced an intense orgasm that left aftershocks in its wake. It was the first time I quietly muttered “holy shit…” after a masturbation session in a long, long time.
There’s no real shame in it
Shame is all about how you make yourself feel. People around you can tell you what you could and could not be ashamed for, though they tend to opt for the former in most cases. People, especially men in groups, like to share ’empirical truths’ that masturbation, sex toys, and pornography are things to be used only by losers and loners. We’re already training ourselves to take these comments to heart if we wish to remain included, but all this does is hurt ourselves for the sake of inclusion. We’re allowed to seek our own enjoyment on our terms, and it’s really no one’s business but our own.
I enjoy masturbation, and I’m finding I no longer feel embarrassed to admit to it. Sometimes, I even feel the need to talk about my new toys with friends. But the most important revelation I’ve come to discover is that I’m reconsidering certain explorations that seemed out-of-the-question in the past. Most notably, I’ve started thinking about the use of prostate massagers, and what they can do to expand my experiences. But more importantly, I’m less afraid to try something I deemed a stigma for the wrong reasons.
I’m much more patient
This one’s a biggie. When I started using sleeves, I didn’t immediately rush to reach orgasm. I mean, I did, at first. But then I started not putting in so much effort to finish quickly. I discovered how I began to feel the textures much more intimately. The bumps and grooves moving across my skin, over the head. We have a basic instinct to race towards climax when we feel it approaching, and this method goes directly against that instinct. But what I learned in return was how to just enjoy the moment, and just feel everything.
This, in turn, helps to make me into a better lover. I don’t need to rush, I don’t need to finish right as I feel climax approaching. So rather than relying on stamina, I pace myself and focus on motion, rather than impact, if that makes sense. Taking your time doesn’t have to be a dull affair, so long as you’re within the moment.
But the most important thing I realized was this:
There’s nothing wrong with me
The greatest contributing belief to the male sex toy stigma is that if a man needs a sex toy to help him get off, then there must be something wrong with him sexually. Since the pleasure of women and other vulva-bearers isn’t always known, sex toys have become more and more important. However, it’s generally thought that men and other penis-owners are always having a good time regardless. If you’re happy with your sex life and how you find pleasure, that’s awesome! You do you however you like it. But if you find there is a clear lack of satisfaction, you’re not at fault.
Your libido isn’t broken, you’re not different or strange or a freak. At least in not in a bad way. You’re neither a loser nor a loner for wanting to use something other than your hand, and sex toys aren’t taboo. Your sexuality is not up for public debate, so you shouldn’t limit yourself as if you were to be judged for it. We are, ultimately, the masters of our own orgasms. Sex toys are normal and are nothing to be ashamed of, and that’s a statement we need to begin telling ourselves more and more often.