No matter how many ways I think about this, or consider if this is the right time, or if I have waited long enough to process everything that is going on since the quarantine, I’m just going to tell myself, as well as all of you, that this is my state of things. It may turn out that I delete this post after a few days, or even change my opinion completely in a week or month or whatever. So, fuck it.
I tried very hard to sit with my feelings for as long as I needed to really understand where I am mentally and emotionally when I have the world separated from my life. To give you an idea, since the quarantine began, I’ve been let go from a job I have been dreaming about for years working in a restaurant that values my skill and ideas for recipes to be used on their ever-changing menu. My first day there, I was tasked with making a soup for lunch. No direction as to what kind of soup, just to create something using the wide range of fresh produce, herbs, and proper ingredients that didn’t arrive as mixes of some sort. I shared my ideas with them, and their first reaction was, “Tell us what you need and we’ll try it. If it works, we’ll put it on the menu.”
Losing that job in my first week was the first heavy hit to my ego since this all began. Now I’m practically forced to work at this mom-and-pop fast food place with two bosses who micromanage the fuck out of me and keep insisting that I add more of something until the styrofoam containers literally can’t hold anymore. No, I don’t mean ‘figuratively’. I literally mean ‘literally‘. But, I digress. This is just a small part of me.
This time I have spent stuck in my own head, living the same day and having the same conversations has forced me to confront some very real thoughts I have been keeping suppressed in the back of my mind for the sheer sake of modesty, a loose definition of politeness, and/or because I believed it was no one’s problem but my own. I have arguments that I no longer have the energy to deal with, and problems I have been tolerating for no one’s benefit.
I’m tired of not saying what I mean for the sake of pleasing others and not causing waves. I hate the fact that I continue to be a supporting player to someone else. I hate only being utilized as a means of making others’ lives easier instead of someone who has their own goals and skills to be recognized. I hate that I’m working in a job that is the equivalent of the high school ‘cafe’ serving fried and/or greasy food. I hate being micromanaged and having every step of my job inspected. I hate the people who equate ‘better’ with ‘more’. More sauce, more cheese, more breading, more potatoes, more bacon. This is neither creative nor clever! And I hate that the only difference between menu items is a single ingredient!
I hate myself for having friends that I don’t talk to and then asking myself why no one tries to talk to me. I hate that I don’t have any idea what to say to people, and worry I will either be very uninteresting or get stuck only talking about myself. I’m realizing that I am my own worst enemy, and it really is my fault that I feel left out or excluded. I hate that this has led to me being walked over, looked past, and discarded when I’m no longer to their benefit. I would love to be as opinionated and outspoken about how I truly feel, and I am completely in love with the people who are, but my knee-jerk reaction has always been to remain silent.
Creativity is absolutely taking a dive as I have been completely drained for several months. I’ve barely had the energy to work on #FantasySmutFriday, and will probably take this week off that project. It is killing me that I have projects and ideas just piling up, and many of which I haven’t even started yet. I know that’s common for a lot of creatives, but I’m starting to wonder if that may even be one of the causes of my block? It’s like I’ve forced myself into a bottleneck that won’t allow anything else out until I finish what has been screaming at me to finish. If you’re struggling to create something that used to feel easier, know that you’re not alone, and you are under no obligation to produce something as regularly as you already have been. I feel for you, and I am willing to wait for your creativity to return too.
And as I sit here and express my feelings onto the keyboard, letting it wash over me, I can feel the tightness in my chest getting looser. I feel a strange calm coming over me, and as I start to embrace the things I can change right now, I feel like I can start to take on the rest with this feeling that it can be possible.
As I said, I don’t know what this post will ultimately become. Whether it will be a temporary state that I will delete in the next few days, or I update my thoughts with new or different information, I have no idea. If this is somewhat underwhelming for you, I’m sorry I can only do so much at a time. If you’ve stuck around to this point, then I appreciate you taking the time to read this rant and get to know some of my feelings and things I’m struggling with.