After a recent reveal on Twitter, I felt like I wanted to write on the series of events leading up to it, and those that followed. The past week and a half have brought up a lot of thoughts and epiphanies about myself and my marriage. Much of which I’m not sure would have really crossed my mind until I looked at things from another perspective.
I think it was about 2 years ago that I began to consider the idea, and several weeks before I could build up the courage to even ask the question to my wife. Looking back on it, we weren’t anywhere close to being ready for polyamory, at the time. When I did ask about the idea, it led to a pretty bad fight. She became very scared for a while, and she was right to be. I had sprung this on her and she hadn’t been given enough information to know what a poly relationship looks like, or how components of that relationship are defined. That was a failure on my part. But I knew not to push things after that. I think I tried asking about it one or two more times since then but was careful not to push the conversation so far it became uncomfortable.
Mrs. Tod and I have been monogamous for a very long time, and we were very happy with that. If we decide to go back into monogamy, we would be very happy with that. She’s one of the few people I have had in my life who trusts me enough to not be jealous, even when she fears losing me. We love each other for who we are and have always given each other the space and freedom to do and be what we want.
So it really threw me for a loop when she recently admitted that she’s been having thoughts of trying polyamory. But the change came when she started following a Twitch streamer on TikTok who was also polyamorous and often answers questions about her relationship. From what I understand, it helped her to know the perspective of someone who was in that kind of relationship and was happy. On top of that, we spent a lot of our time together during the pandemic to really work on our communication and discuss how we define different dynamics in relationships. Which is what made me think was the real problem. I was asking for a change to our dynamic during a time when we hadn’t fully developed the necessary communication skills we needed to make it work.
When we decided to have the conversation, I thought back to previous conversations and bits of advice I had learned during this time from friends who are also poly. We started by affirming that we love and care for each other more than anything, and that was not going to change. Then discussed what it was we were both looking for out of this dynamic, stars and wishes, as well as set boundaries and limits for each other. We discussed our feelings on what this would mean going forward and asked any questions that gave us any pause or fears we had.
To my own surprise, it was me who had fears about the idea of seeking new, meaningful connections with someone else. I was feeling the anxiety of risking rejection along with the prospect of connecting with someone I could be happy spending my time with. But acknowledged that it was because I hadn’t felt those things in a very long time. We’re both very nervous about this going forward, but are optimistic for the future. Even if we never meet someone we would like to date, it changed our perspective entirely just to know that we had the option.
Since coming to that decision, I’ve learned a lot about myself and communication. It’s not just that a poly relationship needs consent and honesty, but also that I don’t want to be anything other than honest with my wife, and any potential partner in the future. Mrs. Tod and I have already talked about our dynamic a couple times, and I’m happy that we can say and discuss things that used to fill my stomach with butterflies and bees at the very thought of saying it out loud. I’m happy that we can be open with each other and feel loved and acknowledged.
So far, I think the hardest part has been trying to set up a dating profile. The anxiety involved has been overwhelming. As previously mentioned, it has been a long time since I dated anyone else, and there are dating apps, like Tinder and Bumble, that I have not touched once since they began. So, I may need some help from anyone who would like to share some advice? Hahaha…..
But it did help me realize that another partner is not what I’m really looking for. What I’m looking for are people and friends I can have a connection with. Exploring my Primal dynamic and working through past traumas and navigating my mental health has revealed to me that what I really want out of this dynamic is people I can be vulnerable with. And if any of those relationships evolve into anything more, I will be happy to have that. I have an amazing relationship with my wife that allows me to be vulnerable with her without fear she will run away. I hope she will, likewise, begin to stop fearing I would run away either. I love that our ability to communicate and be open with each other has evolved as much as it has, and I hope we can continue to evolve together. This is only the start of things, and I’m sure we’ll both learn a lot more as we continue.